I know I watch too many horror movies.  I know this because I was walking Charlie in a nearby neighborhood today and had the thought that if someone were to kidnap or kill me there, that:

  1. If someone found me, they wouldn’t know who I was since I didn’t have any identification or even my phone on me.
  2. And if no one found, would my boyfriend know what to tell police in the report?  I only told him I was going for a long walk.

The next thought I had was, “Why is that girl staring at me through her window?  Is she telling her psychopath husband to get ready to run out and capture me so they can lock me in their basement?  Will Charlie save me?”

This is my protector.  Half-Shih Tzu.  Half Cocker Spaniel.  100% Ladies' Man.

So as I spooked myself on what should have been an enjoyable and easy walk through a very nice neighborhood, I rushed Charlie back out onto the main strip and we made our way back home.  To watch more scary movies.

I was disappointed with the selection on T.V. this evening and Netflix didn’t really have anything new that looked any good (and that I hadn’t seen already), so tapped into my own reserves.  The Blair Witch Project is what I ended up with.  I watch the same movies right before Halloween ever year and I figured I’d knock The Blair Witch Project out tonight (other Halloween must-watch movies include The Exorcist, Halloween (the original and Rob Zombie’s remake), The Omen (the original, not that god-awful remake), House of 1000 Corpses, and Hocus Pocus).

So I put on Blair Witch, turned out the lights, and focused on eating half a bag of popcorn and some dark chocolate Nestlé morsels.  (Put two morsels in your mouth—chew one on the right and one on the left—and then eat a few handfuls of popcorn to get just the right mix of sweet and salty without having to cover the popcorn with chocolate and get your hands all messy.)  About halfway through the movie when shit’s starting to get real bad, I started thinking about what I’d do in that situation.

Ummm…  I wouldn’t go in the woods to begin with.  That’s what I would do.

To be honest, I’ve only really been in the woods once.  In the sixth grade, we all were taken on a field trip to “Nature’s Classroom.”  It was basically an educational camp experience that lasted for five days.  I was so excited to be away from home and to go on my first overnight, long-term field trip with my friends and classmates.  Then we got there and I realized our cabins were full of spiders and we’d be spending every rainy day out in the woods.  There were slugs and snakes and spiders and mud and just terrible, awful outdoorsy types of things at Nature’s Classroom, and it was just not my bag.  Not surprisingly, I’ve never returned to the woods.

So as an adult who loves horror movies and likes to think about how she’d survive all these horrifying situations—whether they’re realistic or not—I tried to put myself in the shoes of the filmmaker kids in the Blair Witch.  What would I do if I were in their place?  I guess I would’ve been more prepared at the outstart.  I’m an overplanner and like to pack for emergencies.  Just in case.

Here’s what I would’ve brought:

  • A fucking knife.  Seriously, why did none of them have a knife or any sort of weapon on them?  You’d figure with people used to going into the woods someone would’ve had one on them.  Then again, I don’t know if a knife would’ve done anything to a witch.
  • More Utz.  Cape Cod potato chips are the best, but Utz are a very close second.  I can’t remember the last time I had Utz chips.  Maybe 2009?  They’re just so salty and thick and wonderful.  I would’ve brought three bags of Sour Cream & Onion, in case everyone wanted their own bag.  That would’ve lasted awhile.
  • More booze.  Why were they only drinking that first night in their hotel room?  I definitely would’ve had a buttload of mini alcohol bottles with me for the hike.  They’re super lightweight, easy to get drunk off of, and you can have a variety of alcohol rather than committing to one type when you commit to a full-sized bottle.
  • Boxes of graham cracker cookies.  I noticed they roasted marshmallows over a fire, but what about going all the way and making some s’mores?  Plus, I happen to think that graham crackers on their own are a light and tasty treat.
  • Nestle morsels.  As I mentioned above, morsels are great with popcorn.  They’re also great on their own.  I keep a bag of them in the fridge at all times so I can always get my quickie chocolate fix.  I used to only eat the semi-sweet or milk chocolate morsels, but I’m trying to be healthy these days so I go with the dark chocolate ones.  They’d be perfect in the woods—especially if you’re whipping up some s’mores.  So basically, I think s’mores would’ve saved them.

Right now I’m watching Silence of the Lambs.  The vet was kind enough to “dress” Charlie up like Hannibal Lecter during his ear cleaning and examination this week.

Happy Halloween and horror movie watching!